Too far

I’ve gone too far to quit. That's what I thought. But, I have realized that, it’s true, I’ve gone too far, too far that I’ve lost myself. Too far, that even His presence I can’t feel anymore. Too far, that I can’t even hear His voice. Too far that His silence became so comfortable and usual.

“I have experienced a lot of rejections already, pwede ba na this time, ako naman? Ako naman ang i-accept? Ako naman ang piliin?

I have fixed a lot, pwede bang ako naman ang ayusin? Buhay ko naman ang ayusin?

I have experienced to understand many people, I humbled myself down many times just to give way to others, but this time, pwede bang ako naman ang intindihin? Pwede bang ako naman ang pagbigyan?

I became silent for a long time, I listened, but this time, pwede bang ako naman ang pakinggan?”

I suddenly became so tired of everything I am doing. I suddenly got tired of being myself. I started to question myself, “where am I heading to? Is this what I’m supposed to do? Is this where I was destined to be? Hanggang dito nalang ba ako?”

Seeing my batch mates being successful in their careers, seeing them being happy in what they do, and seeing them earning a lot of money, makes me sad. I can’t help but compare myself to them, “buti pa sila.”

I lost confidence in myself. I lose hope and trust in my future. I felt sad thinking that, this is not me. I used to love myself; my weaknesses inspire me to strive more. I used to be so confident that everything will work out for my best. I used to be so hopeful in the Lord’s planned future for me. I used to trust all of His ways are leading me to the right path. I asked myself, “What happened?”

Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart; and lean not on your own understanding.

I became too dependent on how I see things. I leaned too much on my own understanding. Hindi ko na kinokunsulta kay Lord ang mga plano ko, ipina-pa alam ko nalang.

Revelation 2:3-4 You have persevered and have endured hardships for My name, and have not grown weary. Yet I hold this against you: you have forsaken your first love.

I already did endure a lot of things for the Lord, in my ministry, in my walk of faith. And yet, it seems that God has been so silent to my plead and in my prayers. Why? Because I became too busy in working for the kingdom, I forgot to give time for the King alone.

My prayer now is the same with King David’s prayer in Psalms 13:

1 How long, Lord? Will You forget me forever? How long will You hide Your face from me? 2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and day after day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me?

3 Look on me and answer, Lord my God. Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death, 4 and my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,” and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

5 But I trust in Your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in Your salvation. 6 I will sing the Lord’s praise, for He has been good to me.

Despite all these, I choose to trust in Him. I may not understand what’s going on, it may be painful and hard, I may not know what is ahead of me, there may be no assurance, but I will always choose to stand with and be faithful to the decision I made 8 years ago that, I will follow and love God all the days of my life, no turning, no turning back.

Hard times like these will not change who God is. He is love. He loves us beyond measure. His promises will always stand true. It may take a while, but surely, it will come to pass.

Ezekiel 12:25a For I am the LORD: I will speak, and the word that I shall speak shall come to pass.