Battles and Armors

I never knew how strong and brave I am until I was left with all the responsibilities of being an “ate.” An “ate” who’s expected to do all the work. An “ate” who’s expected to be strongall the time. And an “ate” who’s not allowed to be weak and tired. Putting that “kaya ko” mask for a long time was draining. I lost my strength, to the point of not knowing how to get up and stand anymore.

I never knew I can love so much until all I’m left with was the choice to embrace people even it hurts me. Now I know what it really means when we ask God to teach us to love just as how He loves. It means to break our hearts for what breaks His. Letting Him increase is expanding your capacity to embrace. Embrace them with all the “even ifs.” Love them with all the “what ifs.” For when He increase, we must decrease.

I never knew how much I can endure until pains came running after me. Pain after pain. I don’t even had the chance to process my pains. Every time I was trying to deal with one pain, another pain will come and it goes on and on. I begged God to move me to another season because this season is too much for me to handle. I cried out to God for Him to change my situation, to calm the storm. But He didn’t. I am still here, in this season I called “preparation.”

Yes, I gave up. I am tired. I am drained. I lose hope. Nothing was left in me.

And so, I surrendered in all my battles.

Then, armors came. It was grace, hope and peace.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 2 Corinthians 12:9

Grace will pick you up wherever you are. Grace will remove your masks and accepts you just as you are. Grace will show you that even here, in your weakest and most ruined self, you are loved. Grace is an invitation to come to Jesus as broken as you are, as messed up as you are, as hurt as you are and as weak as you are.

No one whose hope is in You will ever be put to shame; Psalm 25:3

Hope will remind you to keep singing your song even when your voice can barely speak. Hope will let you choose to worship even when you don’t feel like it. Hope will push you to continue even when the road seems so dark and full of uncertainties. And lastly, hope will bring you back to your first love. Hope has a name, and that is JESUS.

“Be still, and know that I am God;” Psalm 46:10

I’ve tried so hard to fix everything. I fought my battles in the way I know how. I gave my all. But nothing seemed to worked, it all failed. The moment I surrendered was the moment where God stepped in. The end of you is the beginning of God. The end of your ways is the beginning of God’s ways. And only there, you will find peace.

Lastly, I never knew how far trust can bring me until God showed me where I am today. Yes, I might still be here in this season, but I am not the same anymore. God may not have changed the situation and calmed the storm, but He changed me and calmed me amidst the storm. I entrust all my battles to the Lord. For I know that He is not just fighting my battles, but He is surely winning my battles.